“Wait-No-You’re-Not-Cancer-Free” Follow Up Appointment

I’ve obviously been very bad with sharing information over the last 3 weeks so here goes everything that has happened since my appointment with Dr. R on the 28th up until today, November 12.

Dad, sister and Tom take me to the appointment to speak with my oncologist, Dr. R, and we are on a serious mission. We’re all pretty worked up about the “cancer-free” / “wait-no-you’re-not-cancer-free” situation. We did the usual 2 hour wait for the doctor and finally the woman of the hour arrived. Naturally, we all had about 40,000 questions about my cancer - “So AM I cancer free now?” “Does she need radiation?” “Will the cancer come back in the future” “WTF?!” and so on and so forth…
The answer about radiation will have to wait until November 23rd, which seems like light years away to find out important information like this. I just want to get these horribly painful expanders out of my chest, get the permanent implants in and be done with it.
Dr. R said they would be discussing my case in the tumor board on the following Monday, which they did, hence the meeting/evaluation day I've been scheduled for on November 23rd. That is when I will be tested, evaluated, pricked and prodded - my new normal. Hopefully I’ll be getting those results back rather quickly and I will find out if I need this darn radiation or not. My gut is telling me I will, but who knows in this crazy world of science.
The end of the meeting closed with Dr. R looking very deeply in to my eyes and explaining to me that the next 5 years of hormone therapy will be hard. She has a way with words - sort of comforting, but at the same time, real, and scary as sh*t. Apparently, the therapy I will be on causes depression, menopause and a lot of other embarrassing topics that you just don’t want your dad to hear about. I wanted to shout at her, “don’t you see what I’ve already been through over the last 8 months?! I already am depressed, I already am going through menopause, fatigue, anxiety……. BAH! I can’t do this, I just can’t! Can I just have a few years break from being sick, pretty pretty please?”
Well, I’m not one to make a scene so obviously didn’t say that, and pretty sure the answer would be no, so I just sat there, listening, trying SO hard to hold back the tears because, that would be the most embarrassing thing….Crying in a very emotionally intense meeting? Sometimes my brain doesn’t make sense. When I scanned the room for a quick look at family, I could see that my sister, dad and Tom were on the same page as me. Holding back the tears that were welling up, faces confused, body language, defeated.
We left the hospital feeling tired and drained, thinking this is NOT over, but we really really wish it was. Tom could sense the scared sh*tless vibes I was giving off and gave me the most comforting embrace I think I’ve ever had in my whole life. That’s one of the things I will remember the most from the day of the meeting from hell. In a time of need, being hugged so tight like you’ll never be let go from someone you love is hands down, the best feeling in the whole entire universe. Also, my team just being with me was a life saver.
Having lunch together afterwards was the smartest thing we could have done. We decided booze and dessert was much needed too.